Why Sleep With One Eye Open? The Elf On The Shelf. That’s Why.

Elf on the shelf madness

It’s only two weeks until Christmas now, and it’s not the fresh smell of a pine tree that brings to my attention what time of year it really is. Because this year we’re way behind and have yet to get a Christmas tree. It’s the familiar feeling of being watched every time I leave my house that reminds me I need to hurry up and get into the jolly spirit – fast! It’s true. I have a stalker. Once he crawls out of his hiding space right around Thanksgiving, he appears at the most random places and at unexpected times. He clearly enjoys the fright he induces in me and laughs with an evil silent shriek. (I can hear you, you little creep.)

The Elf on the Shelf.

The magical creature loved by so many.

The monster.

In case you had spent the last few years of your life in a coma, let me enlighten you. When you overhear lengthy conversations about the elaborate endeavors of a family’s certain special seasonal friend that appears to act all silly and mischievous stupid and brings yet another extra chore to the already busy time of the year, that’d be HIM.

The Elf.

He is a small stuffed extraordinary character that comes with a book explaining the long 12-year-old tradition and all the rules. Basically, the Elf that you purchase with your hard-earned money has been sent from the North Pole by none other than Santa Claus in order to spy on your whole family and to tell who’s been naughty and who’s been nice to conclude whether you’re worthy of presents, and that makes Christmas way better and the holiday more magical.

The Elf watches your family during the day and flies to the North Pole at night to report to the government Santa Claus and never really sleeps. 

You don’t just find one cozy spot for the Elf to claim his own because it turns out the Elf on the Shelf does not like to stay on a shelf for more than a day. You need to secretly move him each and every night to make your kids believe in the magic you paid for and to not make them feel left out at school.

He wants to be left alone while he collects the intel and refuses to be touched by the germy sticky little hands of kids. If they touch him, the magic disappears. If that happens, the Elf will no longer be able to fly and can’t complete his mission, Christmas is ruined, and you don’t get a refund. You’re also supposed to register and name the Elf, make him feel welcome and loved and all fuzzy on the inside, and keep your fingers crossed he doesn’t kill you in your sleep.

Not sold yet? 

This guy has a disturbingly cheerful smile on his face. The “I’M WATCHING YOU!!!” mantra has been deeply engraved into his sinister aura, and I can guarantee he will follow you into the bathroom when you take a shower. He’ll be there when you think no one’s looking. You can count on him!

Did I mention he has no feet?

But if The Elf on the Shelf sounds like great fun to you, go for it!

I hear he’s lovely. And I’m sure he is. I’m just inherently blind to his charm and feel the urge to wipe the smirk off his face every time I see him. I am expecting a gift card for ‘Elf on the Shelf Hate Therapy’ from Santa this year. Whatever, Santa. I can make you disappear just as easy.

It’s not hate.

It’s fear.

This beady-eyed stalker watches me at every store I go to for at least four months out of the year. He follows me on my errands, lives at my friends’ houses, shows up at the library, sneaks into the bank and even some of the classes my kids go to. He’s in the car speeding by, chuckling and giving me the finger. Enough is enough.

The Elf on the Shelf is popular.

Despite of being somewhat of a novelty, the Elf seems to be present in about 99% of households with kids according to social media. As usually, we’re in the 1%.

  1. We refuse to let a marketing ploy become our tradition.
  2. Christmas seems to be magical enough for our kids the way it is.
  3. I’m not interested in cleaning up the messes of this freaky little tattle tale and laughing at the naughty things he does (that my children aren’t allowed to do) just ’cause he’s special. You won’t hear me say “Tee hee hee, guess what our Elf did just yesterday…”

I can understand that he might turn some children into angels up until just about Christmas (if you’re lucky). But we have chosen not to adopt him.

Besides, doesn’t Santa have this covered?

“He sees you when you’re sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake.
He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!”

Why do we need more lies to make our kids happy? Wasn’t Christmas already special enough?

I mean, if you have the Elf at home, great!

No, really. My intention is NOT to laugh at those that have welcomed the Elf on the Shelf into their homes with open arms. Though I would seriously consider neutering him if I were you.

It’s not you. It’s me. I’m just not the right fit for the Elf.

More power to you, and I wish you nothing but great holiday memories if you have the Elf on the Shelf staring at you right now. But if you wake up in the middle of the night with the Elf shining a bright flashlight in your sleepy face, well, good luck…

 

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2 Comments

  1. Becca

    I refuse to bring that little creepy devil into my home too! He scares the daylights out of me and the whole “I’m watching you and telling on you” thing is just too much for me! My Facebook feed is loaded with pictures of him/her, I just can’t get away from him!

    Reply
    1. wholesomechildren (Post author)

      Thanks for reading, Becca! 🙂 Haha I hear ya’! Nope, there is no way of getting away…but only a week left, girl, only a week. 😉 Until next year that is… 😀

      Reply

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