I guess it was a good thing that me and my sister were greedy kids that didn’t feel bad about an infant delivering presents on his own this late at night on Christmas Eve, because I’d love to go back in time and ask my parents all 345,000 questions that I owe them. That’s what happens when you grow up in a country where the majority celebrates Christmas and baby Jesus but almost no one is religious. There really isn’t much of a backstory.
But I’m not much wiser now that I’m a lot older. Is God a hypocrite for getting Miss Virgin Mary pregnant? Points for God though for sending an angel to let Joseph know about his non-biological child because if he had showed up himself, Joseph would have probably kicked his ass. But maybe I’m wrong. I know more about Mary’s lamb than God or a 12-year-old girl betrothed to a 90-year-old guy.
The family tradition of tiptoeing around a fictitious character of course continues with my own two kids, but the confusion grows. On the evening of December 24th, our kids eagerly await a pile of beautifully wrapped gifts delivered by a holy infant who is high-fived on the way out by a white-bearded dude in a red suite that lugs in the rest of the things all the way from China. They don’t really mind though. So far, my kids have miraculously managed to morph the two together without a problem. But I don’t push the lies myself, and if they ask any more questions, I swear I’m coming clean.
I love the idea of Christmas and family togetherness. I’m not a monster.
But here are 9 Reasons why I would boycott Christmas if it weren’t for my kids:
#1 The humility of Christmas and the birth of Jesus Christ
Every late December we’re celebrating the goodness of a human being, the purity of the soul, and the meaning of modesty. Nothing says humility and modesty like a national retail spending orgy, antsy crowds, and festive lights and projections and illuminated inflatable decorations the size of a house that can be seen from space.
Every late December we’re celebrating the birthday of a Holy Man that was really born some day, some year, who knows, but maybe September. Thanks, Pope Julius I for doing the eeny, meeny, miny, moe and picking the date of the not-the-day-of-Jesus’-birth.
#2 Christmas carolers
A bunch of jolly carolers fa-la-la-ling behind your closed door is kinda cute. In a movie. Probably in California. I live in the Midwest though. If someone knocks on my door at night a-singing, the first thing that pops in my head isn’t “oh goody, a gang of complete strangers to sing with on a dark sub-zero night!” No. That’s when I turn the porch light off and pre-dial 911. ‘Tis the season.
#3 Mall Santa
If there is one thing I resent about as much as overfilled parking lots and waiting in line cornered by a furious mob, it’s the old guy with a beard that’s inviting all children to sit on his lap for an overpriced commemorative picture. I’m not saying that all men underneath the polyester suits are dressed up pedophiles or perverts, but it feels just as wrong as standing my kids next to the other weirdo Easter Bunny which we also do not do.
Luckily, Santa terrifies my kids because he knows everything about them, and they don’t want to have anything more to do with him than a quick wave of a hand from safe distance. Works for me.
#4 Christmas cookies
You know who’s really happy about the crapload of empty calories you’ve stuffed your face with this season and your newly expanded waist? Your dentist, your jealous friends, and the retail world. In the name of Jesus, of course.
#5 The ugly sweater dress code
In all fairness, since I decided to use these pictures, they have to contain affiliate links. Should you be
crazy adventurous enough to buy any of these ugly sweaters, I have to let you know that I might make a penny or two from your social misfortune that will go right back to this blog. As always, thank you.
The booming ugly sweater retail means business! Each year some time before Christmas, retailers deliver brand new collections of the tackiest holiday apparel – the ugliest of all ugly sweaters. The only thing more unattractive than an ugly sweater is an ugly sweater’s price tag. Yeah, I know, everybody’s doing it. And just for that reason alone, if you have one, please throw it in the fireplace this Christmas.
Unless you have one of these of course:
Who wouldn’t want to own this Beer Pong sweater?! It might cost you a whooping $70, however, it comes with detachable washable cups and real beer pong balls which absolutely justifies the cost in my opinion.
This green Gaudy Garland piece is only $60 and guaranteed to probably make a lot of people cry. It just sold out on Amazon the day before yesterday, so I’m expecting a whole lot of tears this Christmas season for paying this much for a sweater that two dozen other people will be wearing at that Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.
This blue Reindeer Climax sweater that’s on sale now for $45? That’s a steal, y’all! It’s one of the least expensive options and subtle enough that you can extend its use and wear the threaded orgy to a business meeting. You’re welcome.
There is also an Excited Snowman sweater for $65 which is almost cute. Almost.
But before I forget… If you happen to be an avid trend follower and you’ve just picked out the perfect ugly sweater for this season, I have disturbing news: #ChristmasTreeEyebrows. Good luck with that.
#6 The Christmas tree
We celebrate love and life by helping kill a tree and watching its slow demise. Or we celebrate love and life by using a fake plastic tree and killing the environment some more. There’s more people and less trees than ever before, right? Shall we do the math?
#7 All that fancy wrapping paper and matching ribbons and bows
Congratulations, we’ve killed more trees (and also the marine environment) and helped fill our landfills with several more tons of waste for a half-hour of fun. Ho-ho-horrible!
#8 Christmas cards and family newsletters
Spoiler alert: people may throw your pictures in the trash. Sorry. Also, more dead trees.
I don’t do Christmas cards. It started with not having enough time and progressed to I don’t really wanna and that’s where the time has stopped. How do I sleep at night? I’ll tell you how. One less thing to worry about + one less fake picture of perfection to take (or find) = many great nights of sleep.
I get plenty of cards in the mail though. The truth is, when they start coming is when I start feeling a little guilty for exactly 3 seconds for keeping my spot on the mailing lists of other people without ever loving them back. But they know I’ll hug them real tight the next time I see them. And it will be genuine and not a chore.
#9 The Elf On The Shelf
He’s a freak. Sorry but not sorry. Though I’ve been seeing a lot less of him this year…?