I hate the Elf on the Shelf. I’ll just lay it out there (and hope he never reads this).
It’s only two weeks until Christmas now, and it’s not the fresh smell of a pine tree that brings to my attention what time of year it really is. Because this year we’re way behind and have yet to get a Christmas tree.
It’s the familiar feeling of being watched every time I leave my house that reminds me I need to hurry up and get into the jolly spirit – fast!
I have a stalker. Once he crawls out of his hiding space right around Thanksgiving, he appears
at the most random places EVERYWHERE. He pretends to be all cute and laughs with an evil silent shriek. (I can hear you, you little creep.)
The Elf on the Shelf.
The magical creature loved by so many.
When you overhear lengthy conversations about the elaborate endeavors of a family’s certain special seasonal friend that appears to act all
silly and mischievous stupid and brings yet another chore to the already busy time of year, that’d be HIM.
The Elf on the Shelf.
He’s a small stuffed character that comes with a book explaining the long 12-year-old tradition and all the rules. Yeah, there are rules.
Basically, the Elf you purchased with your hard-earned money has been sent from the North Pole by none other than Santa Claus to spy on your whole family, and that makes Christmas way better and the holiday more magical.
Contrary to his name, it turns out that the Elf on the Shelf does not like to stay on a shelf for more than a day. You need to secretly move the Elf on the Shelf every night to make your kids believe in the magic you paid for and to NOT make them feel left out at school. Mostly the second.
The Elf on the Shelf does not want to be touched by the germy sticky little hands of kids while he collects the Intel. If they touch him, the Elf on the Shelf won’t be able to complete his mission and Christmas is ruined. And you’ve killed an Elf.
You’re supposed to register and name the Elf on the Shelf, make him feel welcome and loved and all fuzzy on the inside, and keep your fingers crossed he doesn’t kill you in your sleep.
Not sold yet?
The “I’M WATCHING YOU!!!” mantra has been deeply engraved into his sinister aura, an obvious sight the second your eyes meet.
I can guarantee he’ll follow you into the bathroom. He’ll be there when you think no one is looking. Mark my words.
Did I mention he has no feet?
If The Elf on the Shelf sounds like great fun to you, go for it!
I hear he’s lovely. I’m just inherently blind to his charm and feel the urge to wipe the smirk off his creepy face every time I see him.
The other day I spotted him in the car speeding by, chuckling and giving me the finger. Enough is enough?!
The Elf on the Shelf is popular.
Like, really popular.
Despite of being somewhat of a novelty, the Elf on the Shelf seems to be present in about 99.5% of households with kids. At least according to my social media newsfeed and my real life circle.
As usually, we’re in the minority. We’re super firm in our belief not to let a marketing ploy become our tradition. I guess we’re a little old-school.
Plus, we homeschool.
Thank God we homeschool. I’m not interested in cleaning up the messes of this freaky little tattle tale and laughing at the naughty things he does (that my children aren’t allowed to do).
Besides, doesn’t Santa have this covered?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake.
He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!”
Why the Elf?
Besides, that ↑ is creepy as hell, too.
Look, if you have the Elf on the Shelf at home, great!
I wish you nothing but great holiday memories if you have the Elf on the Shelf staring at you right now.
But if you wake up in the middle of the night with the Elf shining a bright flashlight in your sleepy face, well, good luck…